Oh, so many things...

April 26, 2012 - email from Bing for prayers re: Gordon's health scare, Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 3.
May 31, 2012 - Ria's 33rd Bday and my lay off call notice from Lilian to take effect July 1.
June 19, 2012 - my annual check up and mentioned about lump in my neck.
June 27, 2012 - getting an thyroid ultrasound and getting it biopsied,  our 25th wedding anniversary.
June 29, 2012 - a call that the result was benign, Praise God.

...and now it is towards end of August.  See how time flies?  All those months, the days in between, I succumbed to the busyness of work.  It was like, my world was just work.  Despite all the "troubles" i was encountering, I fell into the trap of "I", of "Me", of "Mine".  The world of self centered-ness and self reliance, self dependence.  Do you see how easy it is to put God aside and make Him 2nd best?  I did! But He is such an awesome God, perfect in His timing and plans.  The way He orchestrate things just so one gets reminded, I am not in control, HE IS!!!

Yes, He is in control.  I realized what it is to go through the panic, the pain and impatience of waiting for a biopsy result.  Mine was just 2-4 days, and it was torture.  I am one of the fortunate ones, because she delivered me a good news, that my growth was benign.  I was grateful.  It reminded me of my dad always telling me whenever I am sick that I still got one more "bulate" (a worm) to go...This incident gave me a sensitivity to those who are going through this evil illness of being stricken by the big "C".

Above all this, is being laid off.  But this was for the better, because my thyroid growth was due to the work stress, and I will not let another person that the enemy is using get hold of me and destroy me.  I hold on to God's truth and promise that "all things work together for good to those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose".  The loss of work is nothing compared to the moment of returning back to God once again, because one knows, (I know), the God whom I declare Sovereign, Powerful, All-Knowing, the Great Jehovah Jireh, will still provide for my needs.  And what a way to be to feel stripped of many things, only to gain the right perspective of WHO owns me and provides for me, developing a heart more assured of God's faithfulness to me.

All the days, to date, in my life is God's way of teaching me to be still and know that He is God.  To treasure each day as a gift and see the good in it despite all the negativity that is going on, all the problems I see around me.  I am trying to quiet my soul, being in a still mode, just so I can hear His small tiny voice, because I am asking Him to narrow down all the wild thoughts going on in my life, moments when I am tempted to act upon my selfish desires again, the many things I want to do.  I am asking the Lord Jesus to help me gain wisdom, in teaching me to number my days, and to fulfill my heart's desire to make a difference in people's lives.

I desire not to linger in the valley of spiritual desolation.  Like in Romans 7:24, a cry of  "who will rescue me?" echoes to the very throne of God from the deepest core of my heart.  But as it goes, (v:25), Thanks be to God, Through Jesus Christ our Lord!".  Amen

February 27, 2012...New Hope!

As I sat on my train ride going to work, in the early hour of the morning, I am sitting on the train, window side and I see the sun rising.  I couldn't help but see the great work of God's hands in the brightness of the sun rising.  Despite the "down feeling and whirlwind thoughts" I have, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of God's creation, finding hope in my heart that after every night and darkness, is the promise of a new day, His mercies being new every morning and being in the presence of the Mighty God that I love and serve.  I wrote...

Out of the radiant rays of the sun that never fails to rise,
rise in me, O Christ, my Saviour.
Your beauty abounds,
just like Your wonderful, amazing grace,
live in me, O Jesus my Lord.

In your peace, I find comfort and rest;
In your promises, I find hope,
In your love, I find strength.
Guide me today,  that I may give glory to Your Name.
I love you Jesus, live in me, I pray.  Amen

2/27/12 6:35am on caltrain

January 5, 2012...Cry of my Heart

Help me, O my God
and hear my cry;
tears blur my eyes,
anger hardens my heart,
wicked thoughts hover my head,
and my lips are tempted to lie,
my hands are leaning to do wicked things,
and lust tends to lure me to the ways of the world.

Rescue me and hear my cry,
deliver me from the snares of the wicked one;
give me strength to turn away from evil,
remove sins in my heart.

Reign in me, O Lord Jesus,
be true to your promise to protect me from the this wicked world.
Own me, cover me,
do not let shame insult your Name;
Let righteousness reign in my heart, Lord,
because YOU are my God, therefore, hear my cry.

My first writing on Jan 5, 2012, Thursday.  Going back to work and starting to get overwhelmed again, literally, my emotions simply overcoming my strength and all I could do was simply to turn to the ONLY ONE whom I know hears me and understand me, because I myself don't understand me anymore. But God is always there for me, He has never ever failed me nor forsaken me...and I continue to put my trust in Him and Him alone!

2012, You are going to fast...

Wow, it's now May 1 and looking at my notebook, I have only written 2 things which i have not even posted...a January 5 and a February 27 writing.  But I will post it though, late as it is, I will so I get to jot it down here in my blog and not forget.

This 2012 is really going so fast.  with a memory that is getting so short termed, really, like,  I think of something to write, turn around to look for a pen and paper, kaboom, it's gone! the words are simply gone!  Kind of scary actually, so I really better keep writing so sharpen this aging brain (and body) of mine huh?  A few highlights would be, geez, can't even remember where we spend the holidays.  All i remember is that, I was truly glad to have the winter break from work because I was soooooo tired.  The kind that wears one out physically and emotionally.  Work was truly hectic, and i remember, by prayer night in December 2011, exhaustion, frustration and loss of excitement was creeping in on me.  The break from work was just a good timing because if not, i would have probably had a break dowm.  But God is good, in Psalm 9:10, "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."
I knew God was holding me firmly in His righteous right hand.  I was able to get some rest and went back to work with a different outlook towards the people whom I think are the source of my exhaustion and started praying for them and to help me find another way to earn my living, with the hope that it would still be in Stanford until I retire. 


In between January 2012 and now, I had chilblain, whew, it was an awful experience.  I had this "emergency" trip to the Philippines.  It was not a pleasure trip, but as I said, from stress to stress, but the good in it and we finally all see, me and my relatives, the truth about the wayward ways of someone close to us.  The end of it, we lift him up to the Lord, believing that in His righteousness and being the Just God that He is, will be the one to decide on what we pray for the properties of our elders.  We profess our faith in the hands of the Sovereign God, All knowing, Just and Righteous, that all things work together for the good of those whose trust is in Him.  We have done our part, we have granted forgiveness, and for those who are hard up to forgive, we lift them up in prayer, that in due time, they will grant forgiveness to others and be forgiven as well, keeping in mind the Word of God, that if we do not forgive, the Lord will also not forgive, (Matt 6:14-15), and keeping the hope of God's promise in Isaiah  61:7, " instead of shame, you will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so, you will inherit a double portion in your land and everlasting joy will be yours", simple because we chose to obey Him.  My prayer for my lost long relative is that he will still see that God is giving him every opportunity to repent, because God desires for him not to perish but have eternal life.


Almost half of the year is gone, and yes that's how fast it is going...all i know is that, in my heart, I always pray for the Lord Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit to teach me to number my days so that I will gain heavenly wisdom.  I still pray that God will lead me to something where I really would see His leading, for my ears to be so in tuned with His small still voice, and the courage to follow Him all the days of my life.


I will post some of what i wrote, though it may be a little depressing in context, it is because it is my weak moments that I was simply crying out to God! 

Macugay Newsletter 2011

days of spiritual dryness, dark nights of my life

I can't even remember when this was, between September til mid November 2011. This was one of my most spiritually dry season in life. The busyness of work has overwhelmed me so much. I allowed satan to grab hold of me and he used that busyness for me to have a very blurred vision of how my God, my Jesus was watching over me. I knew in my heart of His promise in Romans 8:28 and yet, I couldn't see the whole picture, I couldn't see Him. It was like a very dark cloud hovering all over me, that it created doubts, big time, in myself, i was scared, i couldn't believe that i amount to nothing, i truly felt helpless, lost and very angry.

he used one of my supervisors, and the way she worded things to me...satan was so deceiving. For her to say to me, "how can i help you be more efficient in your work?". That very line drew darkness over me. I was so tired, physically tired, not enough rest, not enough sleep, working my butt off and then, telling me I am inefficient? Wow, it really blew me away! I felt so alone, I truly felt so angry. I was ready to walk out. The only thing that stop me was my family's need for the very dollars that sustain us, the medical benefits, but I was ready to walk out. I was about to give up...

...But comes again the very presence of God. Jesus in His Mighty, All knowing ways, at the end of the cliff where I am hanging, grabs me once again, in ways only me and Him can hear, listen, and finally say, "okay Lord, you said You are so much bigger than this! You said, You have conquered this world, You said, I am yours and that I belong to You, then save me once more, because I really NEED YOU to help me get up again."

Prayer of a good friend, a psalm to read from my daughter (psalm 13) and this passage from one of my email devotional. Yes, Undo my heart once again Lord, refresh me. Help me to see that it is not that person, but satan using that person to divert me away from you, but greater are YOU who is in me, than he who is in this world, because Jesus, You reign, You live and You WIN!!!
Thank you that You prove Yourself over and over that YOU are my GOD!!!

Holy Spirit, continue to lve in me, giving me the discernment to always know of your presence, never leaving me nor forsaking me, for always picking me up when I can't simply go on, when you constantly remind me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that it is not my own strength or knowledge, but Yours, and yours alone. Thank you for teaching me not to depend on my very own, but showing me how you can take over and win the battle for me.

I am still going through the motions, but Jesus has impressed this confidence again that good days are ahead of me. But I need to do my part, to continue to connect daily with Him, to stop and breathe, take a few steps backward, and not jump in the circus of worklife, above all, see Jesus leading my way, holding my hands, and look back and tell "them", Jesus got me, not you!

Undo my heart, exactly what's inside my heart. To whoever will read this, learn from it, because in this lifetime, indeed, Jesus is the only ONE we can truly depend on...I pray that in your dark moments, in your dark nights, you'll see the true light. God showed me my "rainbow" again.
God bless us all..

Undo My Heart
(posted by JD-KLove Radio: from Blake Williams)

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory
Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone
I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me
Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again

my friend Nelson...

July 31, 2011, my friend joined his Loving Creator...

months, weeks and even day
I saw the deterioration of your physical body,
But seeing instead, the strength of your heart,
Saw your inner fighting spirit, your will to live,

the long awaited time of glorious surrender.

i uttered for you instead;

"ready my soul, O Lord, my God, quicken still, my thoughts of you, for any moment now, of my glorious surrender; welcome me in your loving embrace, so finally I can say, I am all yours through eternity."

...Thank you my friend, for manifesting to me the great love you have for your family, and your friends. I know that they love you, just like the way our Heavenly Father loves you. Keep watch of us, from the heavens where you are, and always say a prayer for each one of us, a good word to our Great Father and God. SHALOM, my friend, til we meet again...

3 Things I lerned about my friend:

1. You love, you forgive.

2. Enjoy life the best way you can.

3. Keep dignity even in your last moment.