You see me through the seasons....

a line of one of my fave songs from hillsong.  indeed, Jesus sees me through all the seasons of my life.  February was my last entry and the past months have been so dreadful for me.  Everything that has transpired this year are negatives that's pulling me down. 

•  being laid off and not finding a job since July 2012;
• my thyroids acting up, though not cancerous;
• scare in my mammogram results;
• 2013 partnering with relatives to start a business and knowing it was not with full agreement with your plans and your word;
• the business robbing me of my time with you
• legal issues to deal with (IHSS, traffic);
• lots of financial obligations and needs (medical, legal);
• physically and mentally exhausted;
• another thyroid scare, in progress,  lymph node in my back neck, fear of not knowing;
• my husband having all these body weakness and illness too;
• my son in law retiring early in the force due to illness;
• last but not the least, my daughter going through a lot of medical issues too.

  As I was alone in the office, I had a quick conversation with God, how tired I am, how frustrated I am, and that led to my confession :  how much I need you again Lord Jesus, to help me with my health, my finances, my relationships, most of all, my faith.  I am afraid i get so dependent on myself to work all things, and i wear myself out, which leads me to find less time with You.  I made many decisions that are contrary to your leading, because i wanted to please people close to my heart, neglecting to please You instead. I've forgotten for a minute to listen to your voice instead, but rather, listen to just my own and drown in my guilt.  And look where it led me?  I can see the enemy working hard to destroy me in and out.  But today, You reminded me again to search my heart and know my anxious thoughts, to see if there are wicked ways in me and I ask the You lead to ways everlasting instead.  Renew my spirits and take not your Holy Spirit away from me...like David, your son, a man after your heart, please make me a woman after your heart too.  Refresh me Lord, I truly need You.  I have so many bills piled up, I have no time to do other things but work which just leads to nothing.  I want Your fullness again, I need to know how much You truly love me once again, make me remember, not just the feeling, but the assurance of your love.  It's embedded in my mind but it seems so far from my heart. I implore dear Jesus, make me know of your love and let me love again, love that will love others just as you have commanded.  Do not let my thyroids illness affect my faith, but rather have this thyroids  imbalance make me know of my deeper need of you.  I know how messed up I am, but I need to know that You can make me full again, restore me, and fill me up with your love, your spirit and everything that You are. Make me go through these bad seasons of my life with endurance, with faith which is not just in my head, but make me cross that line of knowing You in a greater height and really being assured and having the full knowledge, not my own way, but yours, Lord.  Make me not ask, "do you really hear me?  do you really know what I feel and go through right now? because I am angry, i am very frustrated, it's robbing me of hope, robbing me in believing You are watching over me and intending all good for me because i can't seem to hold on anymore.  Or is it me? what am i doing wrong?  I tend to use my hormonal imbalance as a reason why i behave this way, i use science and blame it all this time."

But this morning was a revelation of what God has been telling me all along..."stop being so self reliant, depend on me!" That simple.  So today I pray:  "Dear Jesus, despite all, I give you thanks and praise because you do see me through the seasons of my life.  But help me, help not to depend on myself, learn to ask for help, accept help, not just from others but from You most specially.  Please help me not to harden my heart but rather, help me to have a submissive spirit.  Like the way Abraham did when you asked him to offer his son, all he did was believe that You will even provide the offering.  Then I ask You, humbly, make me BELIEVE You!  Make me believe especially on time I can't see, I refuse to see that there is something better ahead.  Reveal to me a new revelation and a new perspective of what it is to believe in You.  Make me see a different and better side of faith, of submission, of humility and how else it is to be broken.  I am so broken right now Lord, I need to be restored.  Please don't let me go down the pit deeper, pull me out, Lord...teach me to forgive, release my anger and make peace with myself and others.  I'm tired Lord, I'm tired of doing things my own way.  I need you to step over and take control of me, my heart, my mind, my life...make me see well what it is You desire for me.  Make me see please, make me hear, clearly.  Clear of distractions, just your voice, just your face.  This I implore, in your most precious, powerful Name, amen!"

....carry me in your everlasting arms and never let me go, never let me go, through it all....