need a new heart

2014… my most challenging year so far.

a heart right now that is ungrateful,
filled with anger, drowning in misery;
hating the world and everything around it.
wrong decisions, should have been avoidable mistakes,
lack of thinking, no planning, lack of prayers.
Drifted away from the Spirit,
Right motives, but wrong ways.
end result?  an angry heart, a dry spirit.

how does this get fixed? 
how does one forgive oneself?
how does one make a wrong right?

Prayers really do get answered!  Maybe not in ways you thought it should be, but in ways where and when God puts you to a test.  I have prayed that the walls of my home be protected, from the snares of the enemy, from any temptations thereof.   I have always prayed that my heart be safe guarded from evil and satan's attacks, and little did I know that I allowed an opening for my home to an attack.  In the financial side, in the emotional side, in the spiritual side.  I found out how weak my walls are against the attacks of the enemy.  I wasn't kept aware, I was side tracked.

I gave room for anger.   I feel like the weight of the world is upon my shoulder.  My thought is clouded by irritants like self pity, that if I do not find ways and means to earn, then bills will not get paid because I don't get any other financial assistance.  Self reliance, thinking I got it all, but really, I don't!  My emotions are soaring high and diving low, (thanks menopause, hormonal imbalance!) and I am going crazy how I can tackle this and beat it!  I get so annoyed so easily, I get provoked constantly and sadly, by the people closest to me.  I became fearful, worried to death and not trusted. My worries are up to the heavens even if I say I'm not.  What a denial.  I'm into this blame game, myself mostly.  After all the wrong decisions i have made this year and the past, i reap the bad results of it.  I basically decide on major things just to please people, or thinking of how we can be prepared for our aging years.  Bad mistake.  Isn't that a shame?  And because of all these roller coaster negative emotions, my spirit went super dry.  Because I drifted away from the Lord.   I was consumed by busyness.  To the point I was tempted to think that I am not worth the attention of my Heavenly Father.  I wonder where He is and if He even is really mindful of me just as what He says He does.  Really? But in reality, it's me, my failures and my shortcomings and mistakes.   I didn't give Him the time, not Him giving me time.   I didn't even understand myself! I myself, have this difficulty understanding me.  I have been saying this for the longest time and to date, and I'm struggling.

But wait, wait... I know why!  It's just that I don't want to deal with it.  I know that God is revealing things to me, teaching me things,  making me think well, changing my character and making me grow, not just emotionally but mindfully.  Making me stronger, making me more decisive and be a thoughtful planner, and above all, to be more reliant on Him, and not myself!  I have forgotten how to be thankful at all times.  The truth is that because of my weakness, satan saw an opportunity in me, to break me, to screw me up.

So, 2015, I will desire to grow more mature, in God's ways.  Not my ways, because it's faulty.  I will ask the Lord Jesus to forgive me because I have not been an ideal daughter, mother, wife, co-worker, friend, aunt, cousin etc.,   I will pray that God will help me release the anger that accumulated in my heart, my unforgiving spirit, to release all negative in me, my ways, my thoughts.  I will ask that He humbly make me whole once again, to help me stand up once more.  I will ask that He guides me back His path. (Prov.3:5-6)

And this is when that line goes into my head, footprints in the sands..."my child, that one set of feet in the sand is when I am carrying you."  I'm tired of being angry Lord.  I am  just tired.  Can you please help me get me out of this pit?  Get me out of this miserable life and spirit.  Help me release the negative people in my life because it breaks me apart.  Breath new life in me.  Change my heart of stone into a heart of flesh once again.  Give me back the joy of my salvation once more. Fill me again with your love and your spirit. (Ps:51)

Ezekiel 36:26New International Version (NIV)
^"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

Seek forgiveness, and receive it.
Renew my mind and revert to hope.
Find courage and strength not in me.
Rest, be at peace, and wait upon the Lord.

"Thank you Lord Jesus, for many chances.  Not just 2nd chances, but many, many chances.  Because I need that many.  Please help me, as this year closes, to remain to stay with YOU as 2015 begins.  I know that I can't do it on my own, I NEED YOU!  Widen my perspective of learning how it is to wait upon You.  Help me in my impatience, in my unbelief, my unkindness, my un-forgiveness.  Work my heart, hold my life, control my mind.  Own me, use me, and be with me as You promised, that til the end of age, you will be with me (Matt28:20b).  Be the light unto my path (Ps.119:105).  Help me leave the past 3 years, to just look back at it and remember the great lessons i needed to learn, and to move forward with renewed hope.  Let me live for today, and chose not to worry about tomorrow so that I can do what You ask of me as You reveal it day to day.  Let my tomorrow be aimed at that glorious moment of surrender, that moment of meeting you when the time comes.  In your sweet and precious, Powerful Name. Amen."