A whirlwind 2019...

2019 just went poof...and really just like that, because I can't even recall most of what transpired.

I'm not quite sure how to assess our 2019 because it's full of ups and down.  Family issues that never ends, (i.e. Pechot-Alcantara-Francisco issues/cases pending, health issues, financial issues - what's new on this one?), work issues, the uncertainties of my status and work assignment, our questionable retirable years...but few joyful ones too. Arrival of new great grand nephew and great grand nieces (Baby E, from Nino and Deb, upcoming one from Diane and Mon), US trip of CJ,Mell & kids, to name a few...

Every beginning of each year, I always ask the Lord to direct my heart to a verse that will be my guide for the upcoming year, 2020.  In my heart, I've been getting tired of all the family troubles and problems, the several judicial cases my sister handle, her own personal case with the Alcantara's and I have to admit, my heart frets over the injustices of our judges and judicial/governmental system, the arrogance of the other parties thinking it is us who's at fault (much as we have bared ourselves to God) and seemingly rejoicing over their so-called triumphs, my family's current condition, hate-bitterness,disobedience, arrogance, all that the Bible dictates that will happen in the end days and not knowing how to deal with it, how the spiritual can win over the carnal thoughts and emotions...that's just to name a few, and i struggle with it.  Even if I know in my head and in my heart what God says, but Psalm 37 reminded me once again, HE IS IN CONTROL of EVERYTHING. I just need to trust.

Psalm 37

A psalm of David.

1 Don’t worry about the wicked
    or envy those who do wrong.
2 For like grass, they soon fade away.
    Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

3 Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.
6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

7 Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
    or fret about their wicked schemes.

8 Stop being angry!
    Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
    it only leads to harm.
9 For the wicked will be destroyed,
    but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

10 Soon the wicked will disappear.
    Though you look for them, they will be gone.
11 The lowly will possess the land
    and will live in peace and prosperity.

12 The wicked plot against the godly;
    they snarl at them in defiance.
13 But the Lord just laughs,
    for he sees their day of judgment coming.

14 The wicked draw their swords
    and string their bows
to kill the poor and the oppressed,
    to slaughter those who do right.
15 But their swords will stab their own hearts,
    and their bows will be broken.

16 It is better to be godly and have little
    than to be evil and rich.
17 For the strength of the wicked will be shattered,
    but the Lord takes care of the godly.

18 Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent,
    and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever.
19 They will not be disgraced in hard times;
    even in famine they will have more than enough.

20 But the wicked will die.
    The Lord’s enemies are like flowers in a field—
    they will disappear like smoke.

21 The wicked borrow and never repay,
    but the godly are generous givers.
22 Those the Lord blesses will possess the land,
    but those he curses will die.

23 The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
    He delights in every detail of their lives.
24 Though they stumble, they will never fall,
    for the Lord holds them by the hand.

25 Once I was young, and now I am old.
    Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned
    or their children begging for bread.
26 The godly always give generous loans to others,
    and their children are a blessing.

27 Turn from evil and do good,
    and you will live in the land forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice,
    and he will never abandon the godly.

He will keep them safe forever,
    but the children of the wicked will die.
29 The godly will possess the land
    and will live there forever.

30 The godly offer good counsel;
    they teach right from wrong.
31 They have made God’s law their own,
    so they will never slip from his path.

32 The wicked wait in ambush for the godly,
    looking for an excuse to kill them.
33 But the Lord will not let the wicked succeed
    or let the godly be condemned when they are put on trial.

34 Put your hope in the Lord.
    Travel steadily along his path.
He will honor you by giving you the land.
    You will see the wicked destroyed.

35 I have seen wicked and ruthless people
    flourishing like a tree in its native soil.
36 But when I looked again, they were gone!
    Though I searched for them, I could not find them!

37 Look at those who are honest and good,
    for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace.
38 But the rebellious will be destroyed;
    they have no future.

39 The Lord rescues the godly;
    he is their fortress in times of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them,
    rescuing them from the wicked.
He saves them,
    and they find shelter in him.

So many verses reminded me of His unfailing love, his unfailing justice, unfailing forgiveness. 

Psalm 31:17-18; Job 34: 11-12; Psalm 12:7; Exodus 15:26; Isaiah 41:13 Psalm 7:10; Psalm 50;15

So, for 2020, I have to start over again.  I have to re-learn to love the unlovable, to forgive the unforgivable, to rest secure in the uncertainties, the injustices and unfairness of life. As in 

Matthew 5:5 under the MSG version, it says, 

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less.  

That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can be bought."

But who would think that early 2020, seems the birthing pains of what the Bible says regarding the End times?  The eruption of Taal Volcano, that disabled mom's planned trip to the Philippines.  The devastating news of kidney cancer for Vic, stroke for Michael? And then, adding the nasty COVID-19 virus that struck the world! Nasty that the world came to a halt somehow that brought everyone to quarantine, shelter in place, work at home scenarios, businesses totally shutting down for at least 2 straight months and more, tried re-opening sometime in June, only to close again in July as infection resurged, skyrocketed again.  Pechot's untimely demise in June 23, 2020, all of a sudden, and what reason or purpose?  Only God knows.  Mom said, sometimes, the Lord takes someone away already instead of him/her getting worse living in sin.  I just pray he got the chance to ask the Lord for forgiveness.  We sincerely hope that his family is safe despite the exposure.

Reading through Psalm 33, (my COVID-19 Psalm), He stands true to His Word.  No plans of man can thwart the Lord's...if we remain in Him, we fear Him in reverence, hope in His unfailing love, He will deliver us from death and keep us alive in famine...We simply need to trust in His divine purpose, his desire for man to return to Him, seek His face and forgiveness, and He will forgive, hear our prayers and heal our land. (2Chronicles7:14) 

For now, let us wait patiently.  As we wait, we wait in hope.  Romans 8:24-25 declares, " For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  This virus may be in for the long haul.  2020 is half done. Who knows what's in store for us.  One can only Trust, Hope and have faith in The ONE who is constant, faithful  and Sovereign, and the is the Lord Jesus Christ.

Promise Rainbow...assurance and hope

In view of my January 29 post, with regards to the news about CJ.  I remain hopeful.  As a personal testimony, a rainbow to me is God's way of showing me that my prayers are answered.  How, when, in what manner, I leave that up to Him, He has full discretion.  All I know is that my prayers are answered.

My first rainbow sighting was unexpected.  It was a time of unbelievably unexpected.  It's still winter and our last winter was rainy-stormy for most of the time.  I shared a car pool ride with a co-worker and it was raining, more like a heavy drizzle.  I am so on the lookout for a rainbow while on Fwy280 heading to Millbrae to pick up my car.  I was not optimistic because it's really drizzling heavy so, I said, "how could there be a rainbow sighting?"  I got dropped in Millbrae station to grab my car to go to see Addi.  But walah, by the entry was a partial rainbow sighting and I was like, "Whoaaaa, is this a rainbow?"  I immediately drew my phone out with my hand quivering and at the same time, praying that no one is behind me and kept looking intently to make sure it is a rainbow and not just my imagination as a result of intense desire to see one, to get an answer... but it was, it was a partial rainbow that after my intersection, i went straight to the bayside-airport side hotel lined up area where i can really prove it is a rainbow!  I parked, walked with my eyes tearing up white uttering an endless thank you to the Lord.  I saw it, like just a quarter of the rainbow and nevertheless repeatedly said "thank you, Lord Jesus"  This is an answer I've been waiting for and my heart couldn't be more assured that CJ will be spared more of life.  My heart rested at peace, in comfort that indeed, The Lord have heard and answered my prayers.  This was Feb 15, at 2:35pm.

We were fortunate to be with them in May 2019 to celebrate her 41st birthday.  We had so much fun, and it didn't seem like a dreaful-sad experience.  I guess that's how you celebrate life especially when Christ is in your midst and in the core of your heart.  We are just fortunate to have experience this.

For now, my heart is at rest, especially with what they sahred to us on Nov 19, 2019 CT Scan result, "no evidence of metastatic disease is detected".  And what that meant was Mell's explanation that the liver lesions found before improved and just found a scar, no spot found.  Tho there was a sighting in the lungs, it was an "unspecified" one because it is to small to categorize.  The CA found in the original right breast rest the same, which is being treated by the targeted therapy every 3 weeks which is what we are currently in persistent and fervent prayer.  Her CA 15-3 markers are in normal range meaning they are sleeping, aka dormant.  This is just awesome news, and answered prayer and we shall keep the hope alive, the faith strengthened, and be on our knees religiously. 

ALL GLORY TO JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD and SAVIOUR, Hallelujah!!!!

And yes, I'm 60!!!

Whoaaaa, I am 60!  Golly, that 10 years went by so quickly.  So this is life at 60... bad achy bones during the winter, backache, the mind going faster than the slowing body 😂, favorite word in doctor's clinic is now everything "degenerative",  forgetting things not even after an hour, 😕. Not to mention the so many medications to take, etc, etc, etc...

Others like to spend their days, what they call enjoying life to the max, livin' la vida loca, as my friend Helen would say.  Others, spending it in solitude and quietness, while other in shopping, or working to death to be rich... Many ways, many forms, depending on how one would define it.

I guess mine still remains the same.  My life motto of , "life is but simple!"  I still choose a quiet, family oriented, simple lifestyle.  Spend only what you earn after tithes and a little savings (more, if it allows).  I'm not sure if it's right for me to say, I can't be rich.  Unless I win a lotto, I am, unfortunately, not one of those goal oriented people.  Sounds bad noh?   I recall my favorite boss, Lilian Kamal whom I served for more than 10 years at Stanford, on my 1st year with her, on my review day, she asked me, "what's you work goal?"  My reply?  "None, I just love working for you.  I'm happy in what I do and happy to do the work."  On my 2nd year, she asked me the same question, my reply? The same.  The 3rd year, she asked me again, my reply, the same.  There was no more on the 4th year and any succeeding years.  It cracks me up, but I still have the same response.  Does that mean I am unfulfilled? Unhappy?  A definite Nope indeed.  I still am happy to do what I do, I think I am good in being a "servant" to my bosses, I still find Mondays my best day because, my thinking is, if I don't have Mondays, I won't get to my Fridays and that is one motivation for me. 😉

So, at 60, what else do I expect? or Wish for?  A lot more, hoping and praying for another grand child, but that's up to our Gracious God, good and healthy long lives for my Ria and Andrew, and Addi, the good future the Lord has promised to them.

More enjoyable time with our "Tiny" Addi as she grows up, more memories with her.  Do I still need to say how much I enjoy "lola-hood?" 😊💗

Of course a secure financial future but I leave that up to the Lord, doing what we need to do about it.  Some time with family back home.  A retirement home where I can spend a less cold winter season.

My daughter asks me what I want for my 60th birthday?  I still say, I don't know.  I still and really don't know because my thinking is, I have all I need, not my wants but my needs that I know completes me already.  My husband Ray, my Ria, Andrew and our sweet "Tiny" Addi.  That, next to Jesus, they are the best things that give sparks to my life.  It's a life that completes me.

Just like King Solomon, even if I see life to be meaningless (sometimes, hahaha), I still seek wisdom above all (Psalm 90:12) and the presence of the Holy Spirit in me, not to depart from me (Psalm 51:11) and for goodness and mercy to follow me  all the days of my life, (Psalm23:6).

Happy 60th Birthday to me.  I kind of anticipate reaching 70, and wonder what God has in store for ne, for us.  But for now,  Ephesians 3:17-18 (TLB)  is what I'll try to treasure in my heart.  Now this is my wish, this is what I want...
"¹⁷ And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in (my) your hearts, living within (me) you as (I) you trust in him. May (my) your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; ^18-19 and may (I) you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for (myself) yourselves, though it is so great that (I) you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last (I) you will be filled up with God himself." 

 

Goodbye Carl...

    February 8, 2019.  It was late afternoon, in Greendale, playing with our Addi.  Day we got a devastating news that Carl passed away.  None of us couldn't believe it.  But it's real...our hearts we're broken. I can't imagine the Macugay boys without him.  It's now incomplete, not the same anymore...
    My husband is normally quite an "emotionless" guy, but he did shed tears, for his "baby" brother.  Not sure what went through his heart, all I know was, there's sadness in it, one I have not seen for long time.
    February 21, we bid our final goodbye.  We still do not know the real reason behind the loss of life, but to those who knew him well, was the mention of a great, funny, helpful and kind hearted guy,  It was great to see his friends, who came and paid respects, mentioned beautiful words and what lingers was his nephew, Marcel, who in his eulogy left a wonderful lesson of death and love...always remember to say "i love you" when our love ones are still with us.

    Goodbye Carl.  You will be fondly missed.  

Hope you are good from where you are...

One BIG Trial...One BIGGER God!

     Towards end of 2018, we got quite a devastating news regarding one of my nieces.  She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer that metastesized to the lymph nodes and liver.

     December 17, 2018 was when I actually learned it. We were on our way to Atlanta Airport heading back to San Francisco with my mom and brother Joey.  When I read her text to her sister, I became so anxious.  After checking in, while waiting for a wheelchair for my mom, an african american lady was singing Christmas Carols, she was being video taped.  In the middle of all her songs, all of a sudden, she sang "God will make a way".  I'm not sure if all of you are believers of the Lord Jesus Christ, if you have accepted Him as Lord and Saviour of your lives, but I AM! Upon hearing her sing it, I was in tears (hiding it from my mom and brother) and I kept saying, "You are so awesome, Lord. You gave me such a quick response and You calmed my anxious heart."  As the lady left, i gave her a hug and said "thank you" for being an instrument to an answered prayer right away.  It was definitely Jesus in the form of her.  I took that flight with a very sound assurance that He will indeed make a way for our CJ.

     Days went by, we are constantly in communication, I ask Brothers and Sisters in the Lord to help me pray for her, I asked my church to keep her in prayers as other friends of mine have told me that their churches are in prayer, and even fasting for her.  I can't thank enough my faithful prayer partners whom I've asked to perseveringly and earnestly pray for her.

    The month of December was dedicated to reading the book of Luke, and as I was doing so, even before the news came out.  I remember reading all the miracles Jesus was doing, and little did I know, there was a reason for me reading all that, because I/we, (my whole family), will and are expecting for the miracle we are praying for.  Healing for CJ. I really believe God will give us this miracle.
   

I have to admit, extreme sadness wraps my heart when i think of her.  I can't say that I didn't fear, but more than that, is an assurance.  Yes, an assurance that God will really make a way for her.  I don't know, I can't explain, but I just firmly believe it!  January 16, 2019 is her first chemo, and talk about other circumstances that the enemy uses to cripple us with fear, but prayers of the saints are bombarding heavens and despite the swelling-wrong use of needle etc, they managed to get things in order and get her session going and finished it.  She even went to work for a few days.  Zoelee got sick though, and again, we were very concerned.  One day, was a text of her going in the hospital because she felt feverish and was kept overnight, and with Mell being in China. (I didn't know until much later) So we kept praying, messaged my group to keep her in prayers again.  Praise God, she got over it.

      Every like, early morning I'd wake up and would pray for her, for the Lord Jesus to be her Emmanuel, to comfort her and grant her the strength and endurance to cope, physically, mentally and spiritually.  One can't help but be tempted to go on the "dark side" when you are in such situation, I can't even begin to imagine what her and Mell are going through.  But I am praying for them as much as everyone else.

     On January 24, 2019, on my way to work, early in the morning is when i always tune in to my daily radio station, KFAX and my driving time coincides with Pstr. Shelley of Church of the Highlands Bible reading, prayer, then music.  Then walah, the song "God will make a way" plays again.  I was in tears, just started thanking Jesus over and over, because again, that blessed assurance that He will make a way is re-affirmed once again.  Do I still get afraid? Of course I do.  But every time I am tempted to go to the "dark side", I counter it with verses I can remember and utter it all the time, over and over until peace envelopes my heart again.  1Corinthians 10:13 is one that I quote so often.  I even remembered Tita Cora telling me about 15 years and I searched for it.  it was Isaiah 38:1-8 and though the actual chapter does not really relate to CJ's case is the promise of healing, the miracle God sent which was mind boggling.  But because Hezekiah remained obedient, he was healed.  Again, the key is obedience, faithfulness in our relationship with Christ.  Tho maybe unbelievable to others, but for me, I know deep inside my heart, CJ will be given an extension by the Lord.  I keep praying that this is not out of my arrogance, but simply the faith I have in the truth of Christ, my God and Saviour.  That it is only by His grace and mercy.
We shall be patient in waiting upon the Lord, to do what He deems necessary to do, to be the God whom He says He is and no matter what lies ahead, He is in full control.  I can't explain it, all I know is that in my heart and I am very assured of this, HE WILL MAKE A WAY.  And ALL Glory we will give back to HIM and HIM ALONE.

2017 & 2018 ...where are you???

    Wow, 😲 I missed two long year (2017 & 2018).  I better write, thus,  2019, January 9, to be exact, I am starting again!   Welcome 2019!

    Being at this age, mentally, that is, is so much harder in remembering what has transpired, not even an hour ago!  Physically, feeling every pain, fingers, knees, joints, lower spine, wrinkling skin, etc., is a constant reminder to ask the Lord to teach us to number our days, that we may (continually) gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12).  Every incident, every experience, is tied up with God's Word lately, which is good, because it's a reminder of how we constantly need to depend on Him, and Him ALONE!

Psalm 143:8 " Let me hear your unfailing love each morning; for I am trusting You.  Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you."

     Indeed, is my daily prayer.  I have to remind myself to remain in Him, so He can remain in me, to cleanse me of my unrighteousness, so He can hear me. Like David in Psalm 51, "let not your Holy Spirit depart from me, that I may walk in your truth."  It's all I long for, to always know of the Lord's presence in my life, to remain in Him, to learn to be content, and to reflect Him in my life, which is hard.  Being Christ-like does not come easy, sometimes with a high price. But it's all worth it, for the lessons learned, for the experiences gained and above all for the obedience and strength to make the the changes.  How can one go wrong with that?  Especially if the architect of our lives is the one drawing it?  Not sure what the days ahead mean again.  One can't plan enough, one can't foresee enough, though we make plans, it's still the Lord Jesus Christ directing our every step (Proverbs16:9)
    And who could better partner with me than my our own "Tiny" in my prayers?

      "Lord Jesus, I commit to you my days.  Not just me, but my whole family.  Ray, Addi, Ria and Andrew.  Our plans of finding the right place You will direct us this year or the coming years, whether to stay in California, or move away.  We don't hold our future, YOU do!  Just keep our hearts in tune with Yours, that we may know, we are following your lead.
      And for the rest of the Almeda family, my mom, siblings and spouses, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. We humbly ask that the curse of sin be broken and cut in our generation and not get passed to our children anymore.  We would like to experience more of your goodness, mercy and grace.  May every blessing be deserving, may your grace abound and may your light so shine upon us, as your good deeds be seen in us, so that You, our Father, will be glorified.  This we give thanks and pray, In JESUS' Mighty Name. Amen"

Hormones and Faith - 2017

Hormones and Faith.

   What a combination, right?  Hormones?  Affecting our faith?  How? One never thought of this until one gets there!  Hormones, who would think this can be a big trial of life?  And this is nothing to be ashamed of sharing, so here I go...

   It all started when I turned the big 5-0!  I was eager to get started anew at 50, thinking, it was an age to start living my life now. I can go back and pursue another BS degree, psychology maybe?  Which to date, I have not started.  Or start a business!  Which I did in 2014, but failed miserably. Or start writing?Which I thought I am good at but never dared to.  I married early, separated after less than 2 years, left the country to seek a better future for my daughter, got re-married to a wonderful man, Ray.  So after so many years and with us now settled, I figured, I can live my life now. But the body seemed not willing.  It took a toll on all the stress factors and was not cooperating at all.  And all because of HORMONES.  It fluctuates like a roller coaster, good grief! It was damping my body, mind and spirit.  I already grew up with weak immunity to start with.  Then in my late 20’s, diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  Unknown and known stress factors contributed at that time.  The adjustments of being new in this country, starting to work and learn my new environment and people I work with, the stress of physically being active and doing things alone and on your own, trying to build a new life.  Then add up other illnesses such as endometriosis, polyps in ovaries, esophageal problems in swallowing, terms like achalasia and dysphagia.  Moments when I can trade my torso to rid of my pains goes to my mind most of the time.  I was tired of being sick, constant visits to the ER.  Doctors, nurses and hospitals, they became my best friends.  But I was really getting tired of it. 

   This is when my spirit got damped, cold and aloof.  I develop a negative attitude and mind frame and reflected in my actions.  It was overwhelming and overshadowing my thoughts, and it became ugly.  I started being resentful, angry, and bitter.  I distanced myself more than before and I didn’t know how to deal with it, I couldn’t communicate with anyone fearing they may think less of me, I got afraid.

   Now,  this is where FAITH comes in. These trials are good because it draws me closer to God and no one else.  I have love ones that surrounds me but it is the love of Jesus that holds me and sustain me.  I go to His word and there, seek my comfort because at this point, there’s no answer to my hormonal conditions that affect me, my bad gastric problems, my thyroid condition, overall, my weak immunity.  The good of it all, it makes me educated in how I will deal with my condition, how I can minister to others who feels the same way or close to how it affects them.  It gave me all the chances to pray with them and introduce or make Jesus known and how He help me big in ways unfathomable.  In moments when fear creeps in, I keep reciting verses that calms me down, that assures me not only of God’s great love for me through His Son, Jesus Christ, but of His constant, never failing-unchanging love for me.  

    My hormones will still be in a roller coaster mode, but the love of Jesus is constant and will never ever fail me as long as I hold on to Him and trust in Him even when I feel like backing out, slowing down, or doubt life and myself.  Most of the days, I would journal my day, my thoughts, and end it with prayer.  Yes, I write my prayers because it helps me talk to my Best ever friend, my Saviour and Lord Jesus.  It is in those writing quiet moments when I hear Him talk to me, through His Word.  The Bible is the one book that spoke to me in every area of my life.  It has shown me my past, the wrongs I did and still do, but it also spoke to me about how I can deal with it, get out of it. Jesus, the cross, the Father’s love and the Spirit’s guidance is all I need to battle this raging hormones. Through Jesus, Victory is mine.  💓

Just to share, for reading and information, see link below:

https://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/guide-perimenopause#1

Year to simply TRUST....A year of Miracles...2016!

Isaiah 26:3-4  "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!    Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock. "

When God speaks, it's up to us to hear.  It's up to us to quiet our spirits and let His tiny voice ring in our ears.  That's my choice this year.  Reading further Isaiah 61, The year of Lord's favor...favors! with an "S".  With expectant heart to the unknowns....

Ria's pregnancy is just going good.  We are excited and anticipate the coming of our Addison Rae.  All is good, so far and it's past her 2nd trimester.

Mom's trip to the Philippines was quite a disappointing one to her and maybe somehow affected her emotionally.  Her resistance seemed weaker and thus, her sciatica attacked again and it took us 2 ER visits, and several doctor's visits, to no avail.  Until the nurse had all medicines stopped and gave her steroids, antibiotics and started using nebulizer again.  Now, that worked and sent her back to her normal self slowly and regaining her resistance back again.  Just in time for another trial that was about to occur.

By early May, on Ria's side of the pregnancy term, was an abrupt twist. She came in for a regular doctor's visit and then boom, Addi was born at 30 weeks and 5 days, due to preeclampsia.  It was nerve-racking.  It all happened so fast, and that made us think, it was all in God's perfect timing though.  Throughout the whole ordeal, I was on my knees asking the Lord for His grace and mercy in their behalf.  That My Ria be kept safe despite the soaring high blood pressure and for our baby Addi not to be affected.  I'm sure my son in law, was a nervous wreck himself.  But this is where I realized and fully grasp what full surrender was.  Did that mean I had no fears?  Of course not!  But despite all the nervousness, the fears, I can honestly say, my heart was steadfast in the hope that all else will be okay.  Romans 8:28 kept ringing in my ears, there's gotta be something good out of all this!  I scrambled on my phoned every night for God's comforting Words while I am on Ria duty and Psalm 112:6-8 truly guarded my heart.  

6 Surely the righteous will never be shaken;

    they will be remembered forever.

7 They will have no fear of bad news;

    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

8 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;

    in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.

We were all tired, body and mind, specially my Ria, whose mind was probably wandering  every single second, but we prayed, we cried, and above all, we trusted in The GOD Almighty whom we believe is All Knowing of it all.  Trials, I realized, is meant to build up one's faith in God, to understand how to be at peace in the midst of the turmoil and to trust God despite the unknown.  And to develop more patience, as I reminded Ria and Andrew because it will be a road they have to trek now that have their little one to care for the rest of their lives.

Every single moment as I talk to my God, I thank Him, I tell Him to truly go deep into my heart and see how I am greatly filled with gratitude and to help me keep that in my heart specially in times I tend to complain or fail to see how He is working my life into something good, great and wonderful even if I don't see it, even if I don't understand it.  My prayer always to never even  let the Holy Spirit depart from my heart, for guidance and wisdom.

Our little Addi will grow to memorize a lot of bible verses, learn bible stories, learn a lot of music that will forever thank and give praise to God, because I will remind her of the Mighty work of God's hands over her life and all the people who prayed for her.  We can't wait for God's miracle to come home in this house God has blessed us with.  I always recite to her when I leave her at the NICU, Number 6:23-26.  Her progress are good, she's developing and growing stronger and healthier as days go by.  Thank you for all who prays for both mama, daddy and lil' Addi.

And in the end, we can say, "as for me and my house, (all of us), we will (choose) to serve the Lord Jesus Christ."

2015...swoooshhh, off it went!

I was just reading my last 2014 write up and i purposely delayed 2015 because of many events that happened.  Common things in life, some good, some bad, some working progress and some that stays on.  

The beginning of the year brought us some good news about Ria being pregnant , but to our dismay, it was a false one, again.  It was so heart breaking especially for a mother like me to see my daughter go through the roller coaster high and lows of such news.  But I kept trusting the Lord.  I simply ask to watch over my Ria and Andrew , and that in God's perfect time, it'll happen...

Fast forward, simply because I can't recall anymore really what happened in the past months as it went along...They had troubles with the condo where they lived and finally come September, they decided to sell the place.  Praise God they were able to and even if they didn't make much, every detail of our prayers were answered.  I prayed that it'll help Andrew develop a deeper sense of trust in the leading of God, especially in his decisions.  God bless that family that took over in all of their dealings.  We asked the Lord to bless them accordingly.

Now comes a major change in our lives.  They move in with us again.  My heart is fine, I am up to them moving in because it has brought some laugther in the house front.  Ray's got time to even sit down watch sports with Andrew and have someone he can talk to and enjoy watching sports.  Mom's got an everyday bodyguard, (wink-wink) too.

Sometimes, even in off guard moments, things just happen and it's for the good, as God promised.  I am learning to just trust in the unknown.  I still go wonder and thought wander, but the bottom line of it is relying simply on His promises.  Dismiss the worry, and then just Trust.  I often catch myself talking to myself, thinking how I and Ray will be in our older age, moneywise, and in the end, i simply utter, "Lord, you said, you will take of us and I will not worry about it, because you hold our future and that's your job."  We will just live for the moments that He gives us, do our job, share his gospel either in words or in our lifestyle.

Some not so good news as well, when Tita Linda Guzman was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, with tumors found in her lungs too.  We fell on our knees, in earnest, persevering, persistent prayers in her behalf believing that He will show us miracles.  Same for Elmer and Joann, and even little Joshua. 

August I was offered a 1 year fixed term at Genetics and my prayer is for the Lord to let me know that this is part of His great plan for my life.  I ask to see an actual rainbow as His sign to me that it is...He knows my heart, well, and what my limited mind does not know is if my desire to just to be a home earner with benefits is the plan He has for me.  I have to remain prayerful about it.

Then come mid October again and we got great news.  Our Ria and Andrew are pregnant again!  And this time, it's a go!!! We held up until the 14th week.  The more I prayed, prayed and prayed...a strong heartbeat on the Dec 29 doctor's appointment. Praise the Mighty and Sweestest Name of Jesus.  Our perfect little gift.  Oh how we have waited for our precious little one.  We so anticipate and are very excited come June-July 2016!  And so Is CJ and Mell!  Praise God.

The year ended quite busy when Ate had to come so mom can have a companion going home because we got scared of the "laglag bala" scam in the Philippine airport.  So, again, in God's perfect timing  and mighty provisions, she was able to spend 2015 Christmas holidays with us, even her birthday.

We closed the year thanking God over and over, again and again for all that He has done to us.

need a new heart

2014… my most challenging year so far.

a heart right now that is ungrateful,
filled with anger, drowning in misery;
hating the world and everything around it.
wrong decisions, should have been avoidable mistakes,
lack of thinking, no planning, lack of prayers.
Drifted away from the Spirit,
Right motives, but wrong ways.
end result?  an angry heart, a dry spirit.

how does this get fixed? 
how does one forgive oneself?
how does one make a wrong right?

Prayers really do get answered!  Maybe not in ways you thought it should be, but in ways where and when God puts you to a test.  I have prayed that the walls of my home be protected, from the snares of the enemy, from any temptations thereof.   I have always prayed that my heart be safe guarded from evil and satan's attacks, and little did I know that I allowed an opening for my home to an attack.  In the financial side, in the emotional side, in the spiritual side.  I found out how weak my walls are against the attacks of the enemy.  I wasn't kept aware, I was side tracked.

I gave room for anger.   I feel like the weight of the world is upon my shoulder.  My thought is clouded by irritants like self pity, that if I do not find ways and means to earn, then bills will not get paid because I don't get any other financial assistance.  Self reliance, thinking I got it all, but really, I don't!  My emotions are soaring high and diving low, (thanks menopause, hormonal imbalance!) and I am going crazy how I can tackle this and beat it!  I get so annoyed so easily, I get provoked constantly and sadly, by the people closest to me.  I became fearful, worried to death and not trusted. My worries are up to the heavens even if I say I'm not.  What a denial.  I'm into this blame game, myself mostly.  After all the wrong decisions i have made this year and the past, i reap the bad results of it.  I basically decide on major things just to please people, or thinking of how we can be prepared for our aging years.  Bad mistake.  Isn't that a shame?  And because of all these roller coaster negative emotions, my spirit went super dry.  Because I drifted away from the Lord.   I was consumed by busyness.  To the point I was tempted to think that I am not worth the attention of my Heavenly Father.  I wonder where He is and if He even is really mindful of me just as what He says He does.  Really? But in reality, it's me, my failures and my shortcomings and mistakes.   I didn't give Him the time, not Him giving me time.   I didn't even understand myself! I myself, have this difficulty understanding me.  I have been saying this for the longest time and to date, and I'm struggling.

But wait, wait... I know why!  It's just that I don't want to deal with it.  I know that God is revealing things to me, teaching me things,  making me think well, changing my character and making me grow, not just emotionally but mindfully.  Making me stronger, making me more decisive and be a thoughtful planner, and above all, to be more reliant on Him, and not myself!  I have forgotten how to be thankful at all times.  The truth is that because of my weakness, satan saw an opportunity in me, to break me, to screw me up.

So, 2015, I will desire to grow more mature, in God's ways.  Not my ways, because it's faulty.  I will ask the Lord Jesus to forgive me because I have not been an ideal daughter, mother, wife, co-worker, friend, aunt, cousin etc.,   I will pray that God will help me release the anger that accumulated in my heart, my unforgiving spirit, to release all negative in me, my ways, my thoughts.  I will ask that He humbly make me whole once again, to help me stand up once more.  I will ask that He guides me back His path. (Prov.3:5-6)

And this is when that line goes into my head, footprints in the sands..."my child, that one set of feet in the sand is when I am carrying you."  I'm tired of being angry Lord.  I am  just tired.  Can you please help me get me out of this pit?  Get me out of this miserable life and spirit.  Help me release the negative people in my life because it breaks me apart.  Breath new life in me.  Change my heart of stone into a heart of flesh once again.  Give me back the joy of my salvation once more. Fill me again with your love and your spirit. (Ps:51)

Ezekiel 36:26New International Version (NIV)
^"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

Seek forgiveness, and receive it.
Renew my mind and revert to hope.
Find courage and strength not in me.
Rest, be at peace, and wait upon the Lord.

"Thank you Lord Jesus, for many chances.  Not just 2nd chances, but many, many chances.  Because I need that many.  Please help me, as this year closes, to remain to stay with YOU as 2015 begins.  I know that I can't do it on my own, I NEED YOU!  Widen my perspective of learning how it is to wait upon You.  Help me in my impatience, in my unbelief, my unkindness, my un-forgiveness.  Work my heart, hold my life, control my mind.  Own me, use me, and be with me as You promised, that til the end of age, you will be with me (Matt28:20b).  Be the light unto my path (Ps.119:105).  Help me leave the past 3 years, to just look back at it and remember the great lessons i needed to learn, and to move forward with renewed hope.  Let me live for today, and chose not to worry about tomorrow so that I can do what You ask of me as You reveal it day to day.  Let my tomorrow be aimed at that glorious moment of surrender, that moment of meeting you when the time comes.  In your sweet and precious, Powerful Name. Amen."

Oh Em Gee..where did time go???

Indeed, where did time go?  Almost after 3quarters of the year is gone...and many things have happened already.  From early vacation travel to PI and returning to the norm of US living...I have been faced with a lot of trials, moments when things does not even seem to get better.  But the grace of God covers us, covers me and keeps us going.  Sometimes, I say, if not for Jesus living in me, I am not alive.  Many verses have struck me the past few months after several trying times.  My body does not react well with stress.  The very reason why I always say, "life is but simple", and it is how I want to live it.  However, certain factors affect it, either by choice or by compulsion because you want to please people, which is a weakness of me.  Slowly, am just learning to learn how to say "no" and not act upon compulsive decisions, which in the end, I suffer the consequences or, rather, the consequences fall into my lap.  My health has been suffering (again!) because my body is very tired, and yeah, my mind goes along with it...another bad habit of absorbing other's responsibilities and not saying anything about it.  I have such so much learning to do, even at 55! Can you believe it? And in the physiology of this, is going through menopause and this hormonal ups and downs are hard to deal with.  It creates havoc in my whole body, adding to the hardship of dealing with everyday living.

As I was going through all these struggles, I keep asking God for guidance and wisdom . Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP) " Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge
 Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths."  I even sing it!  I asked that He audibly talk to me, but alas, I am too busy to listen to His still, very tiny voice...I just went on.
As I fight my fears, I keep meditating and reciting  Isaiah 41:10Amplified Bible (AMP) ^" Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.soak in my heart and mind.   Because in the weariness and tiredness of my mind and body, and neglecting my fellowship with God, putting the restaurant business in priority, I suffered.  The good Lord reminded me where my shortcomings fell.  My fear surmounted, almost drowning me and allowing it to creep my heart, I suffered total separation, total fear and it gave the enemy an opening to corrupt me, once again. it attacked my body, I was so weak physically.  I think I went through anxiety attacks, palpitations, sleepless nights, difficulty in breathing and many others I can't even deal with, and not showing it, but again, my body did. Bad allergies that resulted to medications that caused posterior nose bleeding.  One of the traumatic experiences I've had and pain, talk about pain, awful physical pain on my face.  I had to suffer just to realized I can't take so much more anymore.  Behind the traumatic medical experience are days of quiet rest and reflections.  It is in subtle moments when you hear God speaks.  Through love ones, friends, reading materials, but above all is when I read his Word.  I cried, (I continue to cry), I throw a fit and tantrums, I scream in my drive telling Him how frustrated, how tired I am, days when I'm in silence as act of my rebellion. (like it would hurt my Heavenly Father huh?).  I try hard to grasp His concept of "grace" because my fiend told me that I my knowledge of grace is just in my head and not in my heart. Quite offensive, if I must say, but I try to get the true essence of that statement, the message and not the messenger. I am indeed stubborn child.  I insist on what I want, I'm a spoiled brat!

But God's Word stands forever... He remains very patient with me. He disciplines and corrects me and I am just so thankful that He gives me that "grace" for me to be humble enough and accepting enough of my mistakes and shortcomings, even in my daily sins! My ever complaining and whining spirit.  And yet,  He forgives me and never fails not to.  And that's how awesome He is.  He teaches me how to fight the enemy, not to attack it in my own ability, but in His Power!  Yes, His POWER because there is Power in Jesus' Name, Amen!

Now, all through all these, several verses stands out. One that particularly struck me when fear was starting to surmount again was  Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest."
This is when I am at a very low after a bad posterior nose bleeding incident, not to mention biopsy scares and other health issues.  Home front relationships turning awful, resulting to anger and inner rage.  Came along with it were problems at the restaurant.  Money issues, labor issues.  Need I say, the need for a more permanent job? I couldn't deal with it. In my own capacity and ability, there is no way I can win this, even compete with it because I have no strength for such.  But in His goodness again, He sent a helper, through this brother in Christ (Bro. Paul Gonzales, our accountant).  He is heaven sent.  All I can do for him is to keep him in my prayers daily, for all he needs and all of God's blessings to all he does for us.  The time that I'm at the verge of a breakdown, help comes.  Where does my help come from? The Lord God, maker and ruler of all.  This verse just covered me with peace, and I was able to rest at peace.  Yes, rest at peace, not rest in peace okay?  God's Word simply has that power and strength that fills one up whenever needed.  Thank you Jesus!

 

Another is this promise of God.  I just stand amazed at how the Lord speaks. I realized in this verse and the devotional where I found this that I am a prisoner of despair, of negativity and fear.  A prisoner of my ugly past, of not being able to let go of the past and the very reason why I can't go forward!  Zechariah 9:12(AMP)  "Return to the stronghold of security and prosperity, you prisoners

of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you."
I am trying not to look at prosperity in monetary form, but I would like for it to be part of the prosperity the Lord is talking about.  But if and when that time happens, my prayer is that my heart is very cleansed from all unrighteousness and pride, so that I can be a good steward of His so defined prosperity.  I have to be released from all hopelessness, negativity and fears.  I know he will help me, because I am not asking for my glory but for His to shine in my life instead.

Last but not the least (for this moment at least), to carry the hope forever in my heart and to tarry.  To wait, to be patient [duhh, my #1 weakness) to endure and to be develop trust and activate that faith even further and more. Keep that confidence in Him, and not my own.  Steadfast, to get a better grasp of that character God is trying to change in me.  As in John, how can God fill me up if I am so full of myself?  That why I need to decrease, so Jesus can increase in me. 

Hebrews 10:35-36(AMP) " Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.  For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised."  

I still yet need to experience this fullness God is talking about and I want to experience it.  So I will wait, I will Pray, I will endure and be patient (but He really has to help me in this area of need) and most of all, to practice my faith, activate more my trust in Him and not doubt.  To be strong-er and be firm-er.  For Jesus to be with me all the days of my life.

Until my last breathe, my aim is to be of use to Him, to spread His gospel of salvation  to those in need.  During these last days, I should just trust Him and do the work I need to do as it says in

Acts 20:24,   "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."   Be more concern NOT of me, but of Him who loved me and died for me.