You see me through the seasons....

a line of one of my fave songs from hillsong.  indeed, Jesus sees me through all the seasons of my life.  February was my last entry and the past months have been so dreadful for me.  Everything that has transpired this year are negatives that's pulling me down. 

•  being laid off and not finding a job since July 2012;
• my thyroids acting up, though not cancerous;
• scare in my mammogram results;
• 2013 partnering with relatives to start a business and knowing it was not with full agreement with your plans and your word;
• the business robbing me of my time with you
• legal issues to deal with (IHSS, traffic);
• lots of financial obligations and needs (medical, legal);
• physically and mentally exhausted;
• another thyroid scare, in progress,  lymph node in my back neck, fear of not knowing;
• my husband having all these body weakness and illness too;
• my son in law retiring early in the force due to illness;
• last but not the least, my daughter going through a lot of medical issues too.

  As I was alone in the office, I had a quick conversation with God, how tired I am, how frustrated I am, and that led to my confession :  how much I need you again Lord Jesus, to help me with my health, my finances, my relationships, most of all, my faith.  I am afraid i get so dependent on myself to work all things, and i wear myself out, which leads me to find less time with You.  I made many decisions that are contrary to your leading, because i wanted to please people close to my heart, neglecting to please You instead. I've forgotten for a minute to listen to your voice instead, but rather, listen to just my own and drown in my guilt.  And look where it led me?  I can see the enemy working hard to destroy me in and out.  But today, You reminded me again to search my heart and know my anxious thoughts, to see if there are wicked ways in me and I ask the You lead to ways everlasting instead.  Renew my spirits and take not your Holy Spirit away from me...like David, your son, a man after your heart, please make me a woman after your heart too.  Refresh me Lord, I truly need You.  I have so many bills piled up, I have no time to do other things but work which just leads to nothing.  I want Your fullness again, I need to know how much You truly love me once again, make me remember, not just the feeling, but the assurance of your love.  It's embedded in my mind but it seems so far from my heart. I implore dear Jesus, make me know of your love and let me love again, love that will love others just as you have commanded.  Do not let my thyroids illness affect my faith, but rather have this thyroids  imbalance make me know of my deeper need of you.  I know how messed up I am, but I need to know that You can make me full again, restore me, and fill me up with your love, your spirit and everything that You are. Make me go through these bad seasons of my life with endurance, with faith which is not just in my head, but make me cross that line of knowing You in a greater height and really being assured and having the full knowledge, not my own way, but yours, Lord.  Make me not ask, "do you really hear me?  do you really know what I feel and go through right now? because I am angry, i am very frustrated, it's robbing me of hope, robbing me in believing You are watching over me and intending all good for me because i can't seem to hold on anymore.  Or is it me? what am i doing wrong?  I tend to use my hormonal imbalance as a reason why i behave this way, i use science and blame it all this time."

But this morning was a revelation of what God has been telling me all along..."stop being so self reliant, depend on me!" That simple.  So today I pray:  "Dear Jesus, despite all, I give you thanks and praise because you do see me through the seasons of my life.  But help me, help not to depend on myself, learn to ask for help, accept help, not just from others but from You most specially.  Please help me not to harden my heart but rather, help me to have a submissive spirit.  Like the way Abraham did when you asked him to offer his son, all he did was believe that You will even provide the offering.  Then I ask You, humbly, make me BELIEVE You!  Make me believe especially on time I can't see, I refuse to see that there is something better ahead.  Reveal to me a new revelation and a new perspective of what it is to believe in You.  Make me see a different and better side of faith, of submission, of humility and how else it is to be broken.  I am so broken right now Lord, I need to be restored.  Please don't let me go down the pit deeper, pull me out, Lord...teach me to forgive, release my anger and make peace with myself and others.  I'm tired Lord, I'm tired of doing things my own way.  I need you to step over and take control of me, my heart, my mind, my life...make me see well what it is You desire for me.  Make me see please, make me hear, clearly.  Clear of distractions, just your voice, just your face.  This I implore, in your most precious, powerful Name, amen!"

....carry me in your everlasting arms and never let me go, never let me go, through it all....

Weary - January 30, 2013

rest my weary heart, Lord,
calm my boggled thoughts;
make me see the path visible in your ways.

spring up new hopes,
lighten up the load;
bring life once again,
and deepen the trust needed.

You are my God.
You know the seasons of my life,
see me through once again,
Be my GOD!

has it been that long?

wow, almost 6 months now after the July 1, 2012 lay off?  Now i look back, i can't even remember what happened those past few months.  What a life cycle!  after finding my sign in and password to this blog, here i go again.   how funny that when a thought comes in and i have something to write, and then all of a sudden, gone! my memory retention can't just cope up anymore.

after doing some bills and looking into the bank account, one can't help but say, "oh geez, gotta start working again"...but the thing is, to find a job first.  The ever perpetual question i've had since the last lay off because as i've shared to my friend, my mind is so boggled with many thoughts, many things i want to do but i get stuck with my own limitations and self restrictions.  And looking at your account going downhill, it's depressing. my mom used to say, no matter how rich you may be, if you don't do anything to add up to that riches, it will all end up being used, eventually spent, and then gone!  but my question, like Solomon, is this all that is there in life? it's meaningless, meaningless, meaningless...yup, that is if we just look at the bank account.  still in prayers for a big money miracle, and yet....none...yet...when Lord?  when?

But again, the goodness of God is that, His provisions are on a daily basis. (Matthew 6:34)  so, i jotted this instead and found comfort again in the God I love and serve.

rest my weary heart, Lord,
calm my boggled thoughts;
make me see the path visible in your ways.

spring up new hopes,
lighten up the load;
bring life once again,
and deepen the trust needed.

You are my God.
You know the seasons of my life,
see me through once again,
Be my GOD!




Yes, Lord, be my ever Great God who will watch over me and take care of me.  Take away the works of the enemy in my life and continue to keep assuring me, that lo, til the end of age, You will be with me. 

Oh, so many things...

April 26, 2012 - email from Bing for prayers re: Gordon's health scare, Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 3.
May 31, 2012 - Ria's 33rd Bday and my lay off call notice from Lilian to take effect July 1.
June 19, 2012 - my annual check up and mentioned about lump in my neck.
June 27, 2012 - getting an thyroid ultrasound and getting it biopsied,  our 25th wedding anniversary.
June 29, 2012 - a call that the result was benign, Praise God.

...and now it is towards end of August.  See how time flies?  All those months, the days in between, I succumbed to the busyness of work.  It was like, my world was just work.  Despite all the "troubles" i was encountering, I fell into the trap of "I", of "Me", of "Mine".  The world of self centered-ness and self reliance, self dependence.  Do you see how easy it is to put God aside and make Him 2nd best?  I did! But He is such an awesome God, perfect in His timing and plans.  The way He orchestrate things just so one gets reminded, I am not in control, HE IS!!!

Yes, He is in control.  I realized what it is to go through the panic, the pain and impatience of waiting for a biopsy result.  Mine was just 2-4 days, and it was torture.  I am one of the fortunate ones, because she delivered me a good news, that my growth was benign.  I was grateful.  It reminded me of my dad always telling me whenever I am sick that I still got one more "bulate" (a worm) to go...This incident gave me a sensitivity to those who are going through this evil illness of being stricken by the big "C".

Above all this, is being laid off.  But this was for the better, because my thyroid growth was due to the work stress, and I will not let another person that the enemy is using get hold of me and destroy me.  I hold on to God's truth and promise that "all things work together for good to those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose".  The loss of work is nothing compared to the moment of returning back to God once again, because one knows, (I know), the God whom I declare Sovereign, Powerful, All-Knowing, the Great Jehovah Jireh, will still provide for my needs.  And what a way to be to feel stripped of many things, only to gain the right perspective of WHO owns me and provides for me, developing a heart more assured of God's faithfulness to me.

All the days, to date, in my life is God's way of teaching me to be still and know that He is God.  To treasure each day as a gift and see the good in it despite all the negativity that is going on, all the problems I see around me.  I am trying to quiet my soul, being in a still mode, just so I can hear His small tiny voice, because I am asking Him to narrow down all the wild thoughts going on in my life, moments when I am tempted to act upon my selfish desires again, the many things I want to do.  I am asking the Lord Jesus to help me gain wisdom, in teaching me to number my days, and to fulfill my heart's desire to make a difference in people's lives.

I desire not to linger in the valley of spiritual desolation.  Like in Romans 7:24, a cry of  "who will rescue me?" echoes to the very throne of God from the deepest core of my heart.  But as it goes, (v:25), Thanks be to God, Through Jesus Christ our Lord!".  Amen

February 27, 2012...New Hope!

As I sat on my train ride going to work, in the early hour of the morning, I am sitting on the train, window side and I see the sun rising.  I couldn't help but see the great work of God's hands in the brightness of the sun rising.  Despite the "down feeling and whirlwind thoughts" I have, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of God's creation, finding hope in my heart that after every night and darkness, is the promise of a new day, His mercies being new every morning and being in the presence of the Mighty God that I love and serve.  I wrote...

Out of the radiant rays of the sun that never fails to rise,
rise in me, O Christ, my Saviour.
Your beauty abounds,
just like Your wonderful, amazing grace,
live in me, O Jesus my Lord.

In your peace, I find comfort and rest;
In your promises, I find hope,
In your love, I find strength.
Guide me today,  that I may give glory to Your Name.
I love you Jesus, live in me, I pray.  Amen

2/27/12 6:35am on caltrain

January 5, 2012...Cry of my Heart

Help me, O my God
and hear my cry;
tears blur my eyes,
anger hardens my heart,
wicked thoughts hover my head,
and my lips are tempted to lie,
my hands are leaning to do wicked things,
and lust tends to lure me to the ways of the world.

Rescue me and hear my cry,
deliver me from the snares of the wicked one;
give me strength to turn away from evil,
remove sins in my heart.

Reign in me, O Lord Jesus,
be true to your promise to protect me from the this wicked world.
Own me, cover me,
do not let shame insult your Name;
Let righteousness reign in my heart, Lord,
because YOU are my God, therefore, hear my cry.

My first writing on Jan 5, 2012, Thursday.  Going back to work and starting to get overwhelmed again, literally, my emotions simply overcoming my strength and all I could do was simply to turn to the ONLY ONE whom I know hears me and understand me, because I myself don't understand me anymore. But God is always there for me, He has never ever failed me nor forsaken me...and I continue to put my trust in Him and Him alone!

2012, You are going to fast...

Wow, it's now May 1 and looking at my notebook, I have only written 2 things which i have not even posted...a January 5 and a February 27 writing.  But I will post it though, late as it is, I will so I get to jot it down here in my blog and not forget.

This 2012 is really going so fast.  with a memory that is getting so short termed, really, like,  I think of something to write, turn around to look for a pen and paper, kaboom, it's gone! the words are simply gone!  Kind of scary actually, so I really better keep writing so sharpen this aging brain (and body) of mine huh?  A few highlights would be, geez, can't even remember where we spend the holidays.  All i remember is that, I was truly glad to have the winter break from work because I was soooooo tired.  The kind that wears one out physically and emotionally.  Work was truly hectic, and i remember, by prayer night in December 2011, exhaustion, frustration and loss of excitement was creeping in on me.  The break from work was just a good timing because if not, i would have probably had a break dowm.  But God is good, in Psalm 9:10, "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."
I knew God was holding me firmly in His righteous right hand.  I was able to get some rest and went back to work with a different outlook towards the people whom I think are the source of my exhaustion and started praying for them and to help me find another way to earn my living, with the hope that it would still be in Stanford until I retire. 


In between January 2012 and now, I had chilblain, whew, it was an awful experience.  I had this "emergency" trip to the Philippines.  It was not a pleasure trip, but as I said, from stress to stress, but the good in it and we finally all see, me and my relatives, the truth about the wayward ways of someone close to us.  The end of it, we lift him up to the Lord, believing that in His righteousness and being the Just God that He is, will be the one to decide on what we pray for the properties of our elders.  We profess our faith in the hands of the Sovereign God, All knowing, Just and Righteous, that all things work together for the good of those whose trust is in Him.  We have done our part, we have granted forgiveness, and for those who are hard up to forgive, we lift them up in prayer, that in due time, they will grant forgiveness to others and be forgiven as well, keeping in mind the Word of God, that if we do not forgive, the Lord will also not forgive, (Matt 6:14-15), and keeping the hope of God's promise in Isaiah  61:7, " instead of shame, you will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so, you will inherit a double portion in your land and everlasting joy will be yours", simple because we chose to obey Him.  My prayer for my lost long relative is that he will still see that God is giving him every opportunity to repent, because God desires for him not to perish but have eternal life.


Almost half of the year is gone, and yes that's how fast it is going...all i know is that, in my heart, I always pray for the Lord Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit to teach me to number my days so that I will gain heavenly wisdom.  I still pray that God will lead me to something where I really would see His leading, for my ears to be so in tuned with His small still voice, and the courage to follow Him all the days of my life.


I will post some of what i wrote, though it may be a little depressing in context, it is because it is my weak moments that I was simply crying out to God!