Macugay Newsletter 2011

days of spiritual dryness, dark nights of my life

I can't even remember when this was, between September til mid November 2011. This was one of my most spiritually dry season in life. The busyness of work has overwhelmed me so much. I allowed satan to grab hold of me and he used that busyness for me to have a very blurred vision of how my God, my Jesus was watching over me. I knew in my heart of His promise in Romans 8:28 and yet, I couldn't see the whole picture, I couldn't see Him. It was like a very dark cloud hovering all over me, that it created doubts, big time, in myself, i was scared, i couldn't believe that i amount to nothing, i truly felt helpless, lost and very angry.

he used one of my supervisors, and the way she worded things to me...satan was so deceiving. For her to say to me, "how can i help you be more efficient in your work?". That very line drew darkness over me. I was so tired, physically tired, not enough rest, not enough sleep, working my butt off and then, telling me I am inefficient? Wow, it really blew me away! I felt so alone, I truly felt so angry. I was ready to walk out. The only thing that stop me was my family's need for the very dollars that sustain us, the medical benefits, but I was ready to walk out. I was about to give up...

...But comes again the very presence of God. Jesus in His Mighty, All knowing ways, at the end of the cliff where I am hanging, grabs me once again, in ways only me and Him can hear, listen, and finally say, "okay Lord, you said You are so much bigger than this! You said, You have conquered this world, You said, I am yours and that I belong to You, then save me once more, because I really NEED YOU to help me get up again."

Prayer of a good friend, a psalm to read from my daughter (psalm 13) and this passage from one of my email devotional. Yes, Undo my heart once again Lord, refresh me. Help me to see that it is not that person, but satan using that person to divert me away from you, but greater are YOU who is in me, than he who is in this world, because Jesus, You reign, You live and You WIN!!!
Thank you that You prove Yourself over and over that YOU are my GOD!!!

Holy Spirit, continue to lve in me, giving me the discernment to always know of your presence, never leaving me nor forsaking me, for always picking me up when I can't simply go on, when you constantly remind me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that it is not my own strength or knowledge, but Yours, and yours alone. Thank you for teaching me not to depend on my very own, but showing me how you can take over and win the battle for me.

I am still going through the motions, but Jesus has impressed this confidence again that good days are ahead of me. But I need to do my part, to continue to connect daily with Him, to stop and breathe, take a few steps backward, and not jump in the circus of worklife, above all, see Jesus leading my way, holding my hands, and look back and tell "them", Jesus got me, not you!

Undo my heart, exactly what's inside my heart. To whoever will read this, learn from it, because in this lifetime, indeed, Jesus is the only ONE we can truly depend on...I pray that in your dark moments, in your dark nights, you'll see the true light. God showed me my "rainbow" again.
God bless us all..

Undo My Heart
(posted by JD-KLove Radio: from Blake Williams)

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory
Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone
I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me
Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again