a line of one of my fave songs from hillsong. indeed, Jesus sees me through all the seasons of my life. February was my last entry and the past months have been so dreadful for me. Everything that has transpired this year are negatives that's pulling me down.
- being laid off and not finding a job since July 2012;
- my thyroids acting up, though not cancerous;
- scare in my mammogram results;
- 2013 partnering with relatives to start a business and knowing it was not with full agreement with your plans and your word;
- the business robbing me of my time with you
- legal issues to deal with (IHSS, traffic);
- lots of financial obligations and needs (medical, legal);
- physically and mentally exhausted;
- another thyroid scare, in progress, lymph node in my back neck, fear of not knowing;
- my husband having all these body weakness and illness too;
- my son in law retiring early in the force due to illness;
- last but not the least, my daughter going through a lot of medical issues too.
But this morning was a revelation of what God has been telling me all along..."stop being so self reliant, depend on me!" That simple. So today I pray: "Dear Jesus, despite all, I give you thanks and praise because you do see me through the seasons of my life. But help me, help not to depend on myself, learn to ask for help, accept help, not just from others but from You most specially. Please help me not to harden my heart but rather, help me to have a submissive spirit. Like the way Abraham did when you asked him to offer his son, all he did was believe that You will even provide the offering. Then I ask You, humbly, make me BELIEVE You! Make me believe especially on time I can't see, I refuse to see that there is something better ahead. Reveal to me a new revelation and a new perspective of what it is to believe in You. Make me see a different and better side of faith, of submission, of humility and how else it is to be broken. I am so broken right now Lord, I need to be restored. Please don't let me go down the pit deeper, pull me out, Lord...teach me to forgive, release my anger and make peace with myself and others. I'm tired Lord, I'm tired of doing things my own way. I need you to step over and take control of me, my heart, my mind, my life...make me see well what it is You desire for me. Make me see please, make me hear, clearly. Clear of distractions, just your voice, just your face. This I implore, in your most precious, powerful Name, amen!"
....carry me in your everlasting arms and never let me go, never let me go, through it all....