Macugay Newsletter 2011

days of spiritual dryness, dark nights of my life

I can't even remember when this was, between September til mid November 2011. This was one of my most spiritually dry season in life. The busyness of work has overwhelmed me so much. I allowed satan to grab hold of me and he used that busyness for me to have a very blurred vision of how my God, my Jesus was watching over me. I knew in my heart of His promise in Romans 8:28 and yet, I couldn't see the whole picture, I couldn't see Him. It was like a very dark cloud hovering all over me, that it created doubts, big time, in myself, i was scared, i couldn't believe that i amount to nothing, i truly felt helpless, lost and very angry.

he used one of my supervisors, and the way she worded things to me...satan was so deceiving. For her to say to me, "how can i help you be more efficient in your work?". That very line drew darkness over me. I was so tired, physically tired, not enough rest, not enough sleep, working my butt off and then, telling me I am inefficient? Wow, it really blew me away! I felt so alone, I truly felt so angry. I was ready to walk out. The only thing that stop me was my family's need for the very dollars that sustain us, the medical benefits, but I was ready to walk out. I was about to give up...

...But comes again the very presence of God. Jesus in His Mighty, All knowing ways, at the end of the cliff where I am hanging, grabs me once again, in ways only me and Him can hear, listen, and finally say, "okay Lord, you said You are so much bigger than this! You said, You have conquered this world, You said, I am yours and that I belong to You, then save me once more, because I really NEED YOU to help me get up again."

Prayer of a good friend, a psalm to read from my daughter (psalm 13) and this passage from one of my email devotional. Yes, Undo my heart once again Lord, refresh me. Help me to see that it is not that person, but satan using that person to divert me away from you, but greater are YOU who is in me, than he who is in this world, because Jesus, You reign, You live and You WIN!!!
Thank you that You prove Yourself over and over that YOU are my GOD!!!

Holy Spirit, continue to lve in me, giving me the discernment to always know of your presence, never leaving me nor forsaking me, for always picking me up when I can't simply go on, when you constantly remind me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, that it is not my own strength or knowledge, but Yours, and yours alone. Thank you for teaching me not to depend on my very own, but showing me how you can take over and win the battle for me.

I am still going through the motions, but Jesus has impressed this confidence again that good days are ahead of me. But I need to do my part, to continue to connect daily with Him, to stop and breathe, take a few steps backward, and not jump in the circus of worklife, above all, see Jesus leading my way, holding my hands, and look back and tell "them", Jesus got me, not you!

Undo my heart, exactly what's inside my heart. To whoever will read this, learn from it, because in this lifetime, indeed, Jesus is the only ONE we can truly depend on...I pray that in your dark moments, in your dark nights, you'll see the true light. God showed me my "rainbow" again.
God bless us all..

Undo My Heart
(posted by JD-KLove Radio: from Blake Williams)

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory
Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone
I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me
Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again

my friend Nelson...

July 31, 2011, my friend joined his Loving Creator...

months, weeks and even day
I saw the deterioration of your physical body,
But seeing instead, the strength of your heart,
Saw your inner fighting spirit, your will to live,

the long awaited time of glorious surrender.

i uttered for you instead;

"ready my soul, O Lord, my God, quicken still, my thoughts of you,for any moment now, of my glorious surrender;welcome me in your loving embrace, so finally I can say, I am all yours through eternity."

...Thank you my friend, for manifesting to me the great love you have for your family, and your friends. I know that they love you, just like the way our Heavenly Father loves you. Keep watch of us, from the heavens where you are, and always say a prayer for each one of us, a good word to our Great Father and God. SHALOM, my friend, til we meet again...

3 Things I lerned about my friend:

1. You love, you forgive.

2. Enjoy life the best way you can.

3. Keep dignity even in your last moment.

Mother and Father's day 2011

To you, my friend...

in the sudden moment of it all, you come along, with no advanced notice. all of a sudden, you take residence, you took over. after leaving me breathless, you made me lifeless. You are cruel! Then, in a moment's time, I thought you left. and long after, you came back again, because you are a traitor! Okay, you've got me alright, you own my body; my entire life, you cut short. But one thing for sure, You can't take my spirit within me, Because "SOMEONE"else owns me. I know where I'm headin', and where I'm going, you can no longer follow, You lose after all, and I certainly win!

what? 52??

I know, I can't believe I am now 52 yrs old. 10 more years and I can retire, if I want to and if there's enough $$ to sustain us for our daily needs, haha... I am just thankful to my Creator that I got to where I am now. I don't have the riches of this world, but my riches lies in my relationships with my family and friends. Every passing year, a lot of things have become clearer and clearer as to how Jesus is ordaining my life. Not all pleasant, and yet, it is those that taught me so much in life. There's a bridge in a song that Ria gave me in a CD and it goes...

"Lord, let me take your Word and shine it all around, first let me learn to live it, Lord. And when i do it well, help me to never seek the crown, for my reward is giving glory to You.

And that is how I want my life to be, that it will not matter much about me, what I want or what I desire, but that my wants, my desires be what He wants for me.

As I thread the mid-life, I still aspire some things though, but I want it with no pressure, only as I please and when I can. I can't say this is what I want to accomplish this year, but something along the highway of my life...sort of a bucket list:

1. To learn to play the guitar and be able to play and sing for my Bible/prayer group meetings. Realistically, this will take me a while, but for now, to just learn the chords and to practice regularly. 2. To write. Anything, short story, fiction/non-fiction combination, but with me putting my heart into it. I recently connected to an old classmate and he's one among the few that I got an encouraging word, just write! All along, my husband and daughter kept saying that to me but I felt like I don't have the depth when I write stuff...but I will, I really will. 3. To attend a reunion of any of my class, elementary, high school or college. Just one reunion will do. This one seems to be the most feasible, as it can happen soon, maybe this year.

how blessed are we?

This morning, I was so tempted to take a picture of this lady in the train station that I ride with ocassionally, but I remembered what my daughter always tell me that I just can't take a shot of people. Well, let me describe her then to you readers. She's in a wheelchair because she has no feet and no hands. She only has her torso, and her arms length is only up to her elbow, maybe not even. In her electronic monitored wheelchair, she has her prosthetic arms behind in her chair. As I watched her from behind, I couldn't help but think of what goes through her mind every time, when she is outside, maybe when she goes to work? or maybe en route to go home? I really do not know and my limited mind can't grasp what it is that goes through her head. It just makes me wonder what makes her go through the day. I wonder if that is me in that kind of predicament, what kind of hope will I have day in and day out? Would I even be hopeful? motivated to live? or just wish I'm dead and give up?
But that's when God's word comes in, His promises, His assurances to us, particularly His line in Matthew 28:20b, .."and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." I know this verse speaks about the Great commission to go and share His word of salvation, but I find so much comfort in those lines, that no matter what we go through, He is Emmanuel, the God who is always with us, that He never leave us nor forsake us, that He is the God that never change, that He is the same, yesterday, today and even tomorrow. Isn't that wonderful? So Assuring and comforting? It gives me a sense of security in my position in Christ.
Stanley shared today in his devotional that if we call Him the Soverreign, All Knowing, Powerful God, do we really believe in what we declare? Do we really believe and trust that HE IS ALL THAT? I hope you do, because I DO! Everyday, I have to transform my mind and have it renewed so that I can attest and justify WHO I truly believe IS ALL that! Jesus my God, my Saviour, my helper, comforter, forgiver, my guide, source of my hope and life, and my eternal destiny! My refuge and my rock, my source of joy and content in this adventurous life journey!
I hope you know how blessed you are, because I DO! My prayer for that lady is that in God's special ways and time, she will know Jesus intimately and enjoy a wonderful relations with the greatest hero, companion of all.