Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Oh, so many things...

April 26, 2012 - email from Bing for prayers re: Gordon's health scare, Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 3.
May 31, 2012 - Ria's 33rd Bday and my lay off call notice from Lilian to take effect July 1.
June 19, 2012 - my annual check up and mentioned about lump in my neck.
June 27, 2012 - getting an thyroid ultrasound and getting it biopsied,  our 25th wedding anniversary.
June 29, 2012 - a call that the result was benign, Praise God.

...and now it is towards end of August.  See how time flies?  All those months, the days in between, I succumbed to the busyness of work.  It was like, my world was just work.  Despite all the "troubles" i was encountering, I fell into the trap of "I", of "Me", of "Mine".  The world of self centered-ness and self reliance, self dependence.  Do you see how easy it is to put God aside and make Him 2nd best?  I did! But He is such an awesome God, perfect in His timing and plans.  The way He orchestrate things just so one gets reminded, I am not in control, HE IS!!!

Yes, He is in control.  I realized what it is to go through the panic, the pain and impatience of waiting for a biopsy result.  Mine was just 2-4 days, and it was torture.  I am one of the fortunate ones, because she delivered me a good news, that my growth was benign.  I was grateful.  It reminded me of my dad always telling me whenever I am sick that I still got one more "bulate" (a worm) to go...This incident gave me a sensitivity to those who are going through this evil illness of being stricken by the big "C".

Above all this, is being laid off.  But this was for the better, because my thyroid growth was due to the work stress, and I will not let another person that the enemy is using get hold of me and destroy me.  I hold on to God's truth and promise that "all things work together for good to those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose".  The loss of work is nothing compared to the moment of returning back to God once again, because one knows, (I know), the God whom I declare Sovereign, Powerful, All-Knowing, the Great Jehovah Jireh, will still provide for my needs.  And what a way to be to feel stripped of many things, only to gain the right perspective of WHO owns me and provides for me, developing a heart more assured of God's faithfulness to me.

All the days, to date, in my life is God's way of teaching me to be still and know that He is God.  To treasure each day as a gift and see the good in it despite all the negativity that is going on, all the problems I see around me.  I am trying to quiet my soul, being in a still mode, just so I can hear His small tiny voice, because I am asking Him to narrow down all the wild thoughts going on in my life, moments when I am tempted to act upon my selfish desires again, the many things I want to do.  I am asking the Lord Jesus to help me gain wisdom, in teaching me to number my days, and to fulfill my heart's desire to make a difference in people's lives.

I desire not to linger in the valley of spiritual desolation.  Like in Romans 7:24, a cry of  "who will rescue me?" echoes to the very throne of God from the deepest core of my heart.  But as it goes, (v:25), Thanks be to God, Through Jesus Christ our Lord!".  Amen

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

February 27, 2012...New Hope!

As I sat on my train ride going to work, in the early hour of the morning, I am sitting on the train, window side and I see the sun rising.  I couldn't help but see the great work of God's hands in the brightness of the sun rising.  Despite the "down feeling and whirlwind thoughts" I have, I couldn't help but marvel at the beauty of God's creation, finding hope in my heart that after every night and darkness, is the promise of a new day, His mercies being new every morning and being in the presence of the Mighty God that I love and serve.  I wrote...

Out of the radiant rays of the sun that never fails to rise,
rise in me, O Christ, my Saviour.
Your beauty abounds,
just like Your wonderful, amazing grace,
live in me, O Jesus my Lord.

In your peace, I find comfort and rest;
In your promises, I find hope,
In your love, I find strength.
Guide me today,  that I may give glory to Your Name.
I love you Jesus, live in me, I pray.  Amen

2/27/12 6:35am on caltrain

January 5, 2012...Cry of my Heart

Help me, O my God
and hear my cry;
tears blur my eyes,
anger hardens my heart,
wicked thoughts hover my head,
and my lips are tempted to lie,
my hands are leaning to do wicked things,
and lust tends to lure me to the ways of the world.

Rescue me and hear my cry,
deliver me from the snares of the wicked one;
give me strength to turn away from evil,
remove sins in my heart.

Reign in me, O Lord Jesus,
be true to your promise to protect me from the this wicked world.
Own me, cover me,
do not let shame insult your Name;
Let righteousness reign in my heart, Lord,
because YOU are my God, therefore, hear my cry.

My first writing on Jan 5, 2012, Thursday.  Going back to work and starting to get overwhelmed again, literally, my emotions simply overcoming my strength and all I could do was simply to turn to the ONLY ONE whom I know hears me and understand me, because I myself don't understand me anymore. But God is always there for me, He has never ever failed me nor forsaken me...and I continue to put my trust in Him and Him alone!

2012, You are going to fast...

Wow, it's now May 1 and looking at my notebook, I have only written 2 things which i have not even posted...a January 5 and a February 27 writing.  But I will post it though, late as it is, I will so I get to jot it down here in my blog and not forget.

This 2012 is really going so fast.  with a memory that is getting so short termed, really, like,  I think of something to write, turn around to look for a pen and paper, kaboom, it's gone! the words are simply gone!  Kind of scary actually, so I really better keep writing so sharpen this aging brain (and body) of mine huh?  A few highlights would be, geez, can't even remember where we spend the holidays.  All i remember is that, I was truly glad to have the winter break from work because I was soooooo tired.  The kind that wears one out physically and emotionally.  Work was truly hectic, and i remember, by prayer night in December 2011, exhaustion, frustration and loss of excitement was creeping in on me.  The break from work was just a good timing because if not, i would have probably had a break dowm.  But God is good, in Psalm 9:10, "And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."
I knew God was holding me firmly in His righteous right hand.  I was able to get some rest and went back to work with a different outlook towards the people whom I think are the source of my exhaustion and started praying for them and to help me find another way to earn my living, with the hope that it would still be in Stanford until I retire. 

In between January 2012 and now, I had chilblain, whew, it was an awful experience.  I had this "emergency" trip to the Philippines.  It was not a pleasure trip, but as I said, from stress to stress, but the good in it and we finally all see, me and my relatives, the truth about the wayward ways of someone close to us.  The end of it, we lift him up to the Lord, believing that in His righteousness and being the Just God that He is, will be the one to decide on what we pray for the properties of our elders.  We profess our faith in the hands of the Sovereign God, All knowing, Just and Righteous, that all things work together for the good of those whose trust is in Him.  We have done our part, we have granted forgiveness, and for those who are hard up to forgive, we lift them up in prayer, that in due time, they will grant forgiveness to others and be forgiven as well, keeping in mind the Word of God, that if we do not forgive, the Lord will also not forgive, (Matt 6:14-15), and keeping the hope of God's promise in Isaiah  61:7, " instead of shame, you will receive a double portion and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so, you will inherit a double portion in your land and everlasting joy will be yours", simple because we chose to obey Him.  My prayer for my lost long relative is that he will still see that God is giving him every opportunity to repent, because God desires for him not to perish but have eternal life.

Almost half of the year is gone, and yes that's how fast it is going...all i know is that, in my heart, I always pray for the Lord Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit to teach me to number my days so that I will gain heavenly wisdom.  I still pray that God will lead me to something where I really would see His leading, for my ears to be so in tuned with His small still voice, and the courage to follow Him all the days of my life.

I will post some of what i wrote, though it may be a little depressing in context, it is because it is my weak moments that I was simply crying out to God!