Friday, September 19, 2014

Oh Em Gee..where did time go???

Indeed, where did time go?  Almost after 3quarters of the year is gone...and many things have happened already.  From early vacation travel to PI and returning to the norm of US living...I have been faced with a lot of trials, moments when things does not even seem to get better.  But the grace of God covers us, covers me and keeps us going.  Sometimes, I say, if not for Jesus living in me, I am not alive.  Many verses have struck me the past few months after several trying times.  My body does not react well with stress.  The very reason why I always say, "life is but simple", and it is how I want to live it.  However, certain factors affect it, either by choice or by compulsion because you want to please people, which is a weakness of me.  Slowly, am just learning to learn how to say "no" and not act upon compulsive decisions, which in the end, I suffer the consequences or, rather, the consequences fall into my lap.  My health has been suffering (again!) because my body is very tired, and yeah, my mind goes along with it...another bad habit of absorbing other's responsibilities and not saying anything about it.  I have such so much learning to do, even at 55! Can you believe it? And in the physiology of this, is going through menopause and this hormonal ups and downs are hard to deal with.  It creates havoc in my whole body, adding to the hardship of dealing with everyday living.

As I was going through all these struggles, I keep asking God for guidance and wisdom . Proverbs 3:5-6 (AMP) " Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge
 Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths."  I even sing it!  I asked that He audibly talk to me, but alas, I am too busy to listen to His still, very tiny voice...I just went on.
As I fight my fears, I keep meditating and reciting  Isaiah 41:10Amplified Bible (AMP) Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.soak in my heart and mind.   Because in the weariness and tiredness of my mind and body, and neglecting my fellowship with God, putting the restaurant business in priority, I suffered.  The good Lord reminded me where my shortcomings fell.  My fear surmounted, almost drowning me and allowing it to creep my heart, I suffered total separation, total fear and it gave the enemy an opening to corrupt me, once again. it attacked my body, I was so weak physically.  I think I went through anxiety attacks, palpitations, sleepless nights, difficulty in breathing and many others I can't even deal with, and not showing it, but again, my body did. Bad allergies that resulted to medications that caused posterior nose bleeding.  One of the traumatic experiences I've had and pain, talk about pain, awful physical pain on my face.  I had to suffer just to realized I can't take so much more anymore.  Behind the traumatic medical experience are days of quiet rest and reflections.  It is in subtle moments when you hear God speaks.  Through love ones, friends, reading materials, but above all is when I read his Word.  I cried, (I continue to cry), I throw a fit and tantrums, I scream in my drive telling Him how frustrated, how tired I am, days when I'm in silence as act of my rebellion. (like it would hurt my Heavenly Father huh?).  I try hard to grasp His concept of "grace" because my fiend told me that I my knowledge of grace is just in my head and not in my heart. Quite offensive, if I must say, but I try to get the true essence of that statement, the message and not the messenger. I am indeed stubborn child.  I insist on what I want, I'm a spoiled brat!

But God's Word stands forever... He remains very patient with me. He disciplines and corrects me and I am just so thankful that He gives me that "grace" for me to be humble enough and accepting enough of my mistakes and shortcomings, even in my daily sins! My ever complaining and whining spirit.  And yet,  He forgives me and never fails not to.  And that's how awesome He is.  He teaches me how to fight the enemy, not to attack it in my own ability, but in His Power!  Yes, His POWER because there is Power in Jesus' Name, Amen!

Now, all through all these, several verses stands out. One that particularly struck me when fear was starting to surmount again was  Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest."
This is when I am at a very low after a bad posterior nose bleeding incident, not to mention biopsy scares and other health issues.  Home front relationships turning awful, resulting to anger and inner rage.  Came along with it were problems at the restaurant.  Money issues, labor issues.  Need I say, the need for a more permanent job? I couldn't deal with it. In my own capacity and ability, there is no way I can win this, even compete with it because I have no strength for such.  But in His goodness again, He sent a helper, through this brother in Christ (Bro. Paul Gonzales, our accountant).  He is heaven sent.  All I can do for him is to keep him in my prayers daily, for all he needs and all of God's blessings to all he does for us.  The time that I'm at the verge of a breakdown, help comes.  Where does my help come from? The Lord God, maker and ruler of all.  This verse just covered me with peace, and I was able to rest at peace.  Yes, rest at peace, not rest in peace okay?  God's Word simply has that power and strength that fills one up whenever needed.  Thank you Jesus!
Another is this promise of God.  I just stand amazed at how the Lord speaks. I realized in this verse and the devotional where I found this that I am a prisoner of despair, of negativity and fear.  A prisoner of my ugly past, of not being able to let go of the past and the very reason why I can't go forward!  Zechariah 9:12(AMP)  "Return to the stronghold of security and prosperity, you prisoners
of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you."
I am trying not to look at prosperity in monetary form, but I would like for it to be part of the prosperity the Lord is talking about.  But if and when that time happens, my prayer is that my heart is very cleansed from all unrighteousness and pride, so that I can be a good steward of His so defined prosperity.  I have to be released from all hopelessness, negativity and fears.  I know he will help me, because I am not asking for my glory but for His to shine in my life instead.

Last but not the least (for this moment at least), to carry the hope forever in my heart and to tarry.  To wait, to be patient [duhh, my #1 weakness) to endure and to be develop trust and activate that faith even further and more. Keep that confidence in Him, and not my own.  Steadfast, to get a better grasp of that character God is trying to change in me.  As in John, how can God fill me up if I am so full of myself?  That why I need to decrease, so Jesus can increase in me. 
Hebrews 10:35-36(AMP) " Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.  For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised."  

I still yet need to experience this fullness God is talking about and I want to experience it.  So I will wait, I will Pray, I will endure and be patient (but He really has to help me in this area of need) and most of all, to practice my faith, activate more my trust in Him and not doubt.  To be strong-er and be firm-er.  For Jesus to be with me all the days of my life.

Until my last breathe, my aim is to be of use to Him, to spread His gospel of salvation  to those in need.  During these last days, I should just trust Him and do the work I need to do as it says in
Acts 20:24,   "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."   Be more concern NOT of me, but of Him who loved me and died for me.


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